Randy Couture. He is a UFC Hall-of-Famer, a six-time UFC Champion and the first fighter to hold two UFC belts in two divisions. He’s competed in a record 15 title fights and is the oldest UFC titleholder ever.
I think we can all agree that he is a legend.
For those that read my post How I Met: Royce Gracie, you will be up to speed. I was sitting cageside with Royce Gracie at UFC. You know, just chillin’ with Professor Gracie and all, smiling and laughing, and everything was super happy. It was kinda like we were in a green field and the sun was shining down and everyone was very joyful. Actually, Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles was probably playing. Yeah. It was real happy-like.
But then, out of nowhere, Randy Couture was coming at us. And his new babe girlfriend was with him, as he was recently divorced from Kim. At first, I thought this was awesome and hoped Royce might introduce me to “The Natural”. But then, Randy was pulled up by someone else and the two stopped to talk. But not his girlfriend. She kept coming at us.
Then something happened that I did not expect. She tried to sit on me. Not on my lap, all sexy-like, either. More like they way you ignore your younger sister when she is sitting in your spot on the sofa, and you just dump your ass down on the seat anyway.
I was sitting there, watching in slow motion as she turned her back to me and stuck her booty out. I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t she know I was there? Surely, she is going to pull up short? No. That big booty just kept coming at me.
I knew there were two possibilities here. Firstly, Randy Couture’s girlfriend will sit on my lap, then Randy will pick me up in a bear hug and I will probably be killed. Secondly, she will freak out when she finally makes contact with me, then Randy will pick me up in a bear hug and I will probably be killed.
It was slightly worrying.
But then I was less worried and more angered. Who the hell did this girl think she was? Am I not alive? Am I not currently occupying this chair? Isn’t there some kind of code for this kind of behavior in our society? I mean, we don’t just sit on strangers do we? Did I not get this memo?
Anyway, though I was sitting in the chair under Royce Gracie’s invitation, I quickly realized that Royce Gracie probably doesn’t allocate seating for all UFC events, and that I was perhaps occupying her seat. In fact, Royce had suddenly disappeared to sign a fan’s t-shirt by the barrier after being begged to do so for several minutes.
I was alone. And Randy Couture’s girlfriend’s ass was still coming at me.
So, I did this weird spin and jump move, where I quickly shuffled my own butt out of that chair, just moments before she touched down. It was a successful move and she landed safely at her destination – my seat.
However, because it was such a technical move, it spun me around, slightly out of control, and I hit something. It was Randy Couture. Yes. I jumped out of the way of Randy Couture’s girlfriend, only to bash into his back. He had his back to me because he was talking to someone else. Do you know who that ‘someone else’ was? It was Jason “Mayhem” Miller. That’s right. I knocked Randy Couture into Mayhem Miller. If you don’t know who Mayhem Miller is, his name serves him well.
Then Randy Couture’s arms were coming at me. It was really happening. The bear hug was coming. But then it wasn’t a bear hug. It was just a regular hug. I was getting a hug from Randy Couture! Hell, I hadn’t even said hello yet! And he was smiling. And Mayhem Miller was cackling like a madman.
Suddenly it was all good again. Thankfully, Randy was one of the nicest fighters I ever met.
I saw him on TV at the next UFC event and he had a new girlfriend.
That’s how bros roll.